taking my depressed dog for a ride

   I got up today and for some reason I decided not to take any pain pills. In reading about gallstones, I did find out that opiates can play a role in them, but only opiate addiction, which is not a factor, but I've been on them a long time, and I was on them pretty heavy at nights in the first two weeks in Phoenix, just to get through the night. Anyway, I thought I'd see how my day would go without them.

   I was pretty bleh all day, but okay, then suggested we go to IHOP for dinner. While we were there I finally took a pain pill. By the end of dinner I felt normal again. Was it eating or being out of pain, or both, I don't know. But we decided, since I was feeling better, that we could tend to Ozzy.

   He had been moping around all day. When mom and I each took him out, different times, he just sat on the pavement and looked around. He just sat there. When we went to dinner, he just sat at the back of the couch, almost under a hanging blanket. There's nothing more pathetic than a sad Ozzy. 

   So, we decided to go and pick him up and take him for a ride, and since I was feeling better, I decided we should go to Lake Hefner and show it to mom. I got the Garmin this time, but it didn't go well. We actually ended up at a dead end street on the other side of the freeway wall. I got out my other map of OKC and gave it to mom and she had the idea of putting an intersection and we finally got to the place I have wanted to see since I have been here. We found the start of the road that goes completely around the lake, and the golf course, which is incredibly beautiful. The road, after the golf course, is one way, and has a parking lane for most of it, so you can park your car and get out and stand next to a short wall and be right next to the lake (no beach - all boulders). We saw people who had climbed over the fence and down the rocks to fish, lots of walkers, bikers, standers and lookers, which we did, too. The weather was perfect, the sun had just set, the breeze was just in our face and the water was breaking on the rocks four feet from us. The only thing missing was the smell of salt in the water. 

  The drive home was, of course, much faster and easier, and we got to watch our Tuesday night programs, starting with wrestling, and now I'm going to bed. It's been a very good day. Oh, and by the way, the reason Ozzy had been moping around? He pooped in the dining room and was expecting to get in trouble. But I can't blame him - the back yard still looks like an alien forest. I'm a heck of a lot taller than him and I can't imagine what it looks like at his height. So he got a long car ride and a walk cause he was feeling guilty. Yeah, we can read him like a book, and he can work us like a pro.

boy, am I behind!

Sorry for the big time lag, but things happened fast, then slow. First the fast. One evening, on the weekend, I think, mom is telling me that she has unpacked and we're discussing whether dad can take care of Uncle Everett by himself, then the very next day she tells m that she's only waiting on me! I guess she and dad  had talked and he was fine and wanted her to go, and in fact was tickled pink (he likes to say that) that she was going. So I packed up my stuff. Actually, what I couldn't throw into my suitcase I stuffed into plastic grocery bags and threw into my car and we left the next day.

Here's the slow part. We left in the daytime, thinking we'd do what I had done before, drive for a little in the day, then all night. We got off about 4 pm or so and went through Payson, Show Low and Heber. It really was a beautiful drive. The north country is incredibly beautiful right now. I have no regrets about driving in the daytime and seeing it. But after we left it it got, well, bleh. We got to Albequerque and I actually told mom I wanted to stop for the night. 

My brother told me that La  Quinta allows pets, so I told mom I was stopping at a La Quinta, even tho she was telling me about a place she and Sue had stayed. I was holding my ground. Look at that - the first motel we came to. So we checked in and got a ground floor room (my request - I have a dog) and got all set for some sleep. Well mom slept. Ozzy thought this hotel thing was pretty cool cause all he had to do was ask me and he got a walk and a sniff at some new greenery. sigh. Like three  or four times that night. How am I to know which one would be THE one that I would say no to and it would be a disaster?

So we got up just at check out time and started again and I must say, New Mexico along I-40 is UUUUUUUUUUgly. Texas isn't much better. I could tell the instant we got into Oklahoma. The sky was bluer, the air was cleaner, the trees were greener, and the cows had smiles on their faces. 

We got in and kinda crashed, and I just kept crashing. I'm still not quite over it. I sleep at night, get up and talk to mom for a bit, but when I lay down on my own narcotic couch, I'm out for five or 6 hours, then watch a kittle TV and go to sleep again. I have gone out to get groceries (and got caught in a DOWNPOUR - got soaked to the bone - it was great), and Target, but get just exhausted. It means the next day is gone.

The stress test is back on, by the way. I also just got a call from my doctor. I turned in the cd from the er to her, which they couldn't open, but they had them fax the info. The nurse said I had cholelithiasis and they were referring me to a surgeon. I had her spell it for me. Mom and I broke out our computers, one on each side of the dining room table, looking it up on the internet. Not too long afterward, the nurse called back and said that the doctor wanted her to let me know that cholelithiasis was gallstones and I said that I knew cause I looked it up on the internet already. She was surprised and said good for me, and that they weren't going to refer me to a surgeon until I had problems again. Whew - dodged a bullet that time. They're also going to let me have the cd back, so I can play with it now,

Ozzy was glad to have his kitty back and Sheba was glad to be home. Josh and Alex came by to see us when we got home, and brought Sheba. It was so good to see them again. I really missed them both so much. I don't know how many times Alex was at my house, but I know they took good care of it. After Josh and Alex went home Sheba came trotting out and said hi and things are back to normal now. I have Guitar Hero again, including the new Aerosmith version, which I have beat on medium. I like the cool red and white guitar, so I use it now instead of my creaky old one. I think, again, I'm going to have to do more in hard cause most of the songs I've done in Aerosmith are 5 stars.

Heather just called mom to see if she was home and to check up on her. It was good to hear her voice, even through mom's phone, and isn't it just like Heather to be the one to step up like I asked, even though mom is in OK. I keep saying Heather is the heart of the family.

Anyway, that's about it. I talked to Annie, who happened to call on a "bad" day, and I think she really nailed it. She said "of course you're having a hard time - you spent two days driving in the daytime." I never even thought about it. I couldn't figure out why the second day was so much harder than the first, but the majority of both were daytime. I hadn't taken into account that two months later the days were a lot longer and therefore light for that much longer. But, hopefully I'll mend and we'll get to do some of the stuff we have planned. Ahhh, home again, home again.

a new record

   Today I got up at 9 am, stayed awake all day, and went to bed at 10 pm. That is a first for the entire trip. Of course, I don't know when I'm going to go to sleep, but it was interesting, and, also of course, I think we're within three or four days of leaving now. Just when I want to stay awake all night, I have now put myself, for the first time in years, on a completely normal schedule. Ta da.

   I'm feeling pretty good today and I think it's because I'm not going outside and I'm taking a second look at everything I eat. Last night I wasn't feeling well - I fell asleep on the couch in the the afternoon, Ozzy woke me up in the early evening to go out, and I just went to bed, and went to sleep for the rest of the tonight. 

   Speaking of Ozzy, he was a little miffed at me, and although I can see why there would be reasons, I don't know what the exact reason would be. He would literally turn his back on me when I talked to him. I did give him a haircut today on the top of his head. I cut off about 3 inches. He had a mad genius look going when he sneezed.

   So, a slow day, but that's not such a bad thing. I hope for one again tomorrow, unless I can talk Annie into going to a movie with me. This may be my last chance.

what can I say

WalMart. Daytime. Migraine. Duh.

family

   As I said in the last blog this morning, I had trouble sleeping. I didn't actually make it until sometime after 4 pm, and this was the day after getting up in the morning to go shopping. I don't understand it. I called to talk to my doctor, well the nurse, so waiting for the call back was part of it, but, jeez, I only had one Pepsi. 

   I laid down and took a nap, not knowing when I would wake up, but was given my wake up call by Ozzy jumping happily on the bed. Dad has made this room nearly black but I can still tell night from day, and it was still day, so I thought he needed to go out ( I never really know for sure if he's been let out or not - I always assume so, but I don't want to relegate my duties to anyone else). So, I drag myself out of bed and he happily bounces into the dining room to show me that Uncle Everett is eating dinner. Oy. I turn to go back to bed after having a laugh about it with mom and dad, and Ozzy shows me the error of my ways by peeing on the rug (which has already been thoroughly been peed on by Hank when he was getting really old). 

   I couldn't believe it. Mom said, 'Oh, well," like any good grandma, so I picked him up and took him to the spot, put him down  close to it, told him no firmly and took him outside and just cleaned it up, (he actually seemed to be pretty happy to be outside), then I went back into the dining room and stood two feet away from him and called him to come to me. He turned into a little pudding dog and melted into the little space under grandma's chair with his head about an inch off the ground. I didn't raise my voice, but I didn't stop calling, not loudly but firmly, with my hand down, for him to come to me. Inch by very slow inch he made it about half way, so I called it good and picked him up and told him he and done a very bad thing, kissed his head and put him down and he exploded with joy at being loved by me again. The vertical leaps were tremendous. Yeah, do I know discipline or what.

   Since I was up, I decided it was best to stay up, so we watched TV. I asked mom if there was anything good and it's Tuesday so it's America's Got Talent, which we love, so it was worth staying up for. 

   There were two that got to me. One girl was a singer and the child of a broken home who only wanted her father to love her and be proud of her. She sang  I Can't Make You Love Me. The last one they showed was a 9 year old autistic boy who learned, by himself, to communicate with others by singing. Watching his mother watch him sing in front of 20,000 people and communicate so clearly and calmly, knowing he was autistic, brought tears to my eyes.

   All that to say this, by the time I went to bed, which was right after the show was over, I had already cried several times, and was hot, meaning for me feverish, probably from the extended time awake. I called Josh to tell him that the news came today that Dad's test came back just fine - there is no blockage and everything looks good. I couldn't believe it took me that long to remember to tell him. 

   The reason I remembered to call him was that I was thinking that I was homesick. That was going to be my blog for the night - I'm homesick. I know I blather on. If anyone actually gets through everything I write (cause you know I ramble more the more tired I get) I commend you, but tonight that was going to be it. I'm homesick.

   As I talked to Josh, it didn't help, it just made it worse, and I got a little teary, but it was a short conversation cause they were watching a movie. So I got on the computer and checked my e-mail, then checked out my cousin's blog. We've just recently reconnected and she blogs regularly and comments on mine and it's been great catching up, especially now. She's the one who took care of Aunt Lanora, so I feel an especially strong need to keep in close touch with her right now.  

   She had written that they were rearranging their finances so she and their four kids could come down and stay for a month or so and help out, visiting the family at the same time. She would have to rent a car to do it, and bring along her sewing machine to continue her business while she was here in order to make this work.    

   That, of course, just made me cry again, but I told her not to come. As beautiful as the thought and plan is, it's not the right one for this situation. Uncle Everett is upset by noise and chaos and so bringing four children, even though two of them are nearly adults, would probably upset him and the household more than help the situation, and there's not really not room for them here. But it's the most beautiful and thoughtful, and selfless thing... She knows what it's like and wanted to bring her expertise, which would help, but I just thought of what I should have told her on her blog. She knows Alzheimer's, yes, but she knew Aunt Lanora and all her foibles and what she needed and that she would eat all the candy (if I remember right, or was it crackers) so they had to be put in a certain place, and that was valuable information. Dad is like that for Uncle Everett. No one can take the place of Dad - he is Uncle Everett's world. 

   I have been sitting in dad's chair in the living room in the afternoon and so Uncle Everett has taken to calling dad into the office area so the two of them can talk. I told mom today that it's probably because I'm in dad's place and he can't be close to him. I also told mom that now dad knows what it feels like to be a wife, and I was only partly joking. He has to do everything for him, and even if Uncle Everett would allow someone else to do it for him, dad wouldn't let them. He's dad's little brother. Dad will take care of him until he can't, and then he will go to a nursing home.

   But, seeing that Sherry would uproot her family, without really knowing where the resources would come from, in order to help both me, and mom and dad out, just made me cry more, but ... reinforced what I said about my family and their willingness to help. We really are there when the chips are down, as long as the chip on the shoulder isn't too big to see it.

   But I'm still homesick. Mom told me today that she really hadn't been feeling all that well and wasn't sure she was going to go back to Oklahoma with me. That one kinda has me reeling a bit. I wonder why she packed her bag? She has had some horrible experiences with doctors, and really needs a good one. She says that whenever she goes to the doctor they only tell her to lose weight, so she has these symptoms that she tries to diagnose herself because she doesn't want to be embarrassed or humiliated again. I wish I could help her with that one, because that one is endangering her health. She keeps looking for answers in those newsletters that the supplements send out. Anyone out there know a compassionate CIGNA doctor in Maricopa county who is good with people? Her self esteem has taken such a beating that is may literally be the death of her.

  

sigh, I guess I'm done ranting now

   First of all, if you might note the time of the blog, the Pepsi I had yesterday morning when I got back from WalMart to keep me awake the rest of the day obviously did it's job. I've blogged, played Guitar Hero until I can't see or coordinate my fingers to the music (I still kinda can't see), played my favorite game on my spare phone and listened to my iPod, and here I still am. 

   All this time, well, probably not all of it (when my mind wanders, my scores go down in GH); anyway, I keep thinking about the situation here and what I wrote about the family not pitching in. I got a real rant going in my head. I even gave mom a sample of it this afternoon. But, a few minutes ago a much more quiet voice started coming in, and different thoughts started taking over.

   Ours is not a family unwilling to help. I would never have been able to move without the gargantuan skills and hours of able help of all my family. Every one pitched in. Marti was an absolute wizard in the kitchen. There was never any doubt that they would be there, for every little bit that was needed, on either end. So there's a lot of flaw in my condemnation of them, and even though I didn't accuse them to their faces, I ask forgiveness of you that read this that took any of that to heart and were hurt or offended. I was both wrong and out of bounds. I think there is more to this than my stupid rant.

   I think, and this is a new one, and maybe as likely to be as off as the other, that it has to do with mom and dad being mortal. Dad is not infallible. It's hard to see them as the elderly couple they really are. It took me actually hearing, really hearing in my head that dad was nearly 80 and taking care of an Alzheimer's patient and mom. And mom's health hasn't been good for years, but has anyone seen that the only thing she seems to actually be doing around the house is cooking? And that's only because Uncle Everett will eat what she cooks. Dad is hard to live with sometimes because of his stroke, his memory, his temper because of Uncle John and his denial of his weaknesses, and mom thinks (and she's probably right) that no one believes this but her. She's pretty much given up on everything. She has no interests anymore and doesn't even care to try to diet or exercise. Tho she does some shopping, dad does the most. She is 72 years old now, and I don't know who is in more fragile health, really, mentally or physically. 

   That is the picture that struck me, the one that caused me to stay. I can't really blame the family for not seeing that because I've been away for a year and sometimes it takes a little distance to see the truth, or the changes of time. We're talking mortality here. The fact that we may be within a few years of losing one or both of them. That's what I was railing against, I think, not the family. 

   The time will come, one way or another, but we could make it so much easier for them, and we should, but it would mean treating them as elderly. Treating them not like the strong decisive heads of the family as they have always been, but as the declining elders who should be allowed the rest they've earned. Do you realize that mom and dad have taken in Great Grandma, Uncle Chuck and now Uncle Everett, who I am sure will die in their house, during their marriage? Can you imagine that? Not one but three family members have become totally dependent on mom and dad for care that should really be provided by a nursing home but were taken care of by them. When did they ever say no? (Hopefully to Uncle John. I told them if he moves in I'm gone the next day.)

   Anyway, again, I'm sorry for my selfish ranting - I just don't want to lose them any sooner than I have to and every extra stressor takes just that much more of them away. I know we'll lose them, I'll just never be ready.

me and Amy Winehouse

   I'm not liking this new situation I'm living with. I already know that Starbucks is history (I think I hear their stock falling), but I'm still testing to see if I really believe the rest of the paper I kinda glanced at that they gave me as I left the hospital. All I saw was no coffee, really, and something about no fried foods.

   Well didn't dad just go and bring home a big box of apple fritters tonight from Bashas'. He asked me if I wanted one. I told him I couldn't cause they were deep fat fried. Mom admitted that she asked him to get them for her. So they sat there and munched on the DOZEN apple fritters he had gotten. They're very aromatic, you know. Smells really travel. So finally I said, okay, give me one. So they passed me the box and I tried to find one that weighed less than a pound and was smaller than my fist. I finally found one that would sorta pass that test and ate it, and it tasted as good as it smelled.

   However, it didn't taste good enough to pay for the cramps and etc it's caused me. Now I've got Amy Winehouse's song going through my head, only in my version it's "I don't wanna eat that donut, No No No!!!" (to the tune of "I Don't Wanna Go To Rehab" - you  either get it or you don't).

   Today was a huge day - it was the day the new Guitar Hero finally came out. I have already prepaid for it so in case there was a huge run on it I wouldn't have to go looking for it like I did at Christmas. That was just nuts. Only my copy is waiting for me in Moore. Great. And so is my XBox. I got up early (for me) today and mom and I went shopping and then went to Game Stop and talked to them about it. There really wasn't anything they could do about it. He mentioned the DS Lite version and I snorted in derision and he said actually it was kinda cool and showed it to me, and I came home with the limited edition DS Lite and Guitar Hero for it. Mom has a DS she would probably let me use, but for god's sake, it's pink with sparklies on it! Oh, the humanity!!!

   So, after the DS was charged I put the Guitar Hero piece on, grabbed my pick (that's so cool) and actually got to play (I weep tears of joy and relief). I had to put it down after about, well, I actually don't know how long I play before I put it down, but I play until I can't see or move my hands well any more, then I take a break. In this, it's better for me than regular Guitar Hero, forcing me to take breaks much sooner.

   It's got great songs on it, some I know, some I don't, some from the GHs of the past (there's an entire section with some on my most favorites) and some really great new ones. Really good choices they made. I'm excited. I'm getting usually 3 stars, but I have gotten two 5 star songs so far. I'm going through on easy first, cause this is really weird and taking a while to get used to, but it's perfect for the situation I'm in.

   I'm so happy.